What Am I Doing & Unrequited Love

At one point in every ones life I think they all feel the same way I presently feel. It's not one emotion I'm feeling though, its several, however the main dilemma I'm facing right now is I want to do something with my life. I just don't know what or how I'm going to do it.

It's so frustrating because This is what I want to do with my life, but I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. And it's not just finding a future career or some shit like that- I want to do something that is going to make a difference or at least allow me to add to a cause of some sorts. I've had tons of ideas, but I'm just not sure about any of them.

I'm stuck.

I guess I thought writing on my blog to my invisible fans would help me but I have no idea. I know this blog is supposed to be dedicated to books but I've decided that its going to be book slash life related topics. -- While we're on this topic, lets talk about guys shall we?

So, not sure if I mentioned in a previous post but if I didn't, I attended an all girls catholic high school and now currently go to a co-ed university.

Talk about a big change.

Anyways- so now there a guys. In my opinion I've gotten used to seeing them, I'm just still awkward AF so I have little to no guy friends. Anyways, I've never dated anyone before. Never kissed or anything like that. I'm the virgin of all virgins, so I'm basically a unicorn. Anyways there is was this guy I had a HUGE crush on. I don't know how to properly explain this but I'm the type of person who will always be herself when talking to people (either that or I'm unusually silent) and this one guy I had a crush on him so big that I didn't know how to act. I mean, there are complications in this nonexistent relationship because he doesn't know I like him but dating is out of the question anyways. Why you may ask? To put it simply, he can't date. His religion prevents him from doing so, which really really sucks for me because he was/is my first major crush. But he can't date so I'm trying really hard to get over my stupid little crush because I really want to stay friends. He's a great guy, he's smart, sarcastic, kind, witty, funny, and bunch of other things I'm not going to say because I'm totally over him.

Pssshh.

Totally.

Point of mentioning this is that there are lengths girls/guys will go to see their crush that I didn't even realize until I had a huge crush on my own. I live on campus and the guy I liked was a commuter- so I went out of my way to go work or just hang out in the cafeteria just so I could see him. Call me pathetic, call me a loser, call me whatever you want but I really really liked this guy and since he was a Pharm. Major I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to see him. Maybe it's just me, but I think when you like someone you go out of you way to see them... even if it is just watching him from across the cafeteria, which I totally did not do because I'm not a stalker.

I guess some things aren't meant to work out, because there are obstacles such as ones religion or even your friends thinking he's gay (which he isn't). I let myself fall so hard that I'm trying to figure out how to get over something I never had to begin with.

All I know is that its hard as f***. That's why they call them crushes- because you end up crushed. In fact I cant even tell you how many times I cried or had panic attacks over this guy. Over a guy. Before all this I didn't even know your heart could physically hurt. Over a stupid guy. 
I had a conversation with my best friend the other day who goes to school in a different state, and I was yelling because I was upset. I said something along the lines of "WHY CANT LOVE BE LIKE THE STUFF I READ IN BOOKS." And she said something very insightful... well I mean it helped me. She said "CAUSE LIFE ISN'T FULL OF HAPPY ENDINGS WHERE THE GUY CHOOSES THE NERDY GIRL (that's me guys !!). LIFE IS FULL OF FUCKBOYS WHO LIKE TO FUCK OVER GIRLS."

Now keep in mind the guy I'm talking about here is anything BUT a fuckboy, but the point is I guess by living my love life through books I never realized that love isn't like books at all. Forget about waiting for prince charming- I was waiting for my Levi (Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell), but it doesn't work like that. I had to learn that the hard way.