Friends (?)

I never realized that people can change for the worse.

Of course I knew that people could change for the better but I guess I just assumed that everyone changes for the better. It wasn't until recently that I discovered that people can also change for the worst.

Going to college and leaving all your high school friends behind, or well most of them, is weird and sad. But you and your friends promise to see each other every break, etc, etc. And for the people who actually do this, shout out to my best friend Lady Gaga (she's not really Lady Gaga but thats not the point), I applaud you.

Sadly, this idea in reality most of the time is BULLSHIT.

I have a really dark past, like terribly dark that I tend to keep to myself about- and one of my friends who helped me through it the most out of everyone blew me off the week she was home from school to hang out with her school friends. As in the people she sees basically every single fucking day. While me on the other hand, she hasn't seen since August.

Oh and then theres the fact she also lied- saying how she was just hanging out with her family the entire week when she posted snaps showing she was in the city with her college friends.

COME ON! REALLY?

It makes me wonder what I did wrong, when really I did nothing wrong. But friendship goes both ways. It cant just be me trying because if so i'm just going to stop. I deserve a whole lot better then that- and I absolutely know much people much better then that.

Sometimes your so blinded by the past, you can't see what's right in front of you.
And what was in front of me was NOT my best friend of four years from high school.

What Am I Doing & Unrequited Love

At one point in every ones life I think they all feel the same way I presently feel. It's not one emotion I'm feeling though, its several, however the main dilemma I'm facing right now is I want to do something with my life. I just don't know what or how I'm going to do it.

It's so frustrating because This is what I want to do with my life, but I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. And it's not just finding a future career or some shit like that- I want to do something that is going to make a difference or at least allow me to add to a cause of some sorts. I've had tons of ideas, but I'm just not sure about any of them.

I'm stuck.

I guess I thought writing on my blog to my invisible fans would help me but I have no idea. I know this blog is supposed to be dedicated to books but I've decided that its going to be book slash life related topics. -- While we're on this topic, lets talk about guys shall we?

So, not sure if I mentioned in a previous post but if I didn't, I attended an all girls catholic high school and now currently go to a co-ed university.

Talk about a big change.

Anyways- so now there a guys. In my opinion I've gotten used to seeing them, I'm just still awkward AF so I have little to no guy friends. Anyways, I've never dated anyone before. Never kissed or anything like that. I'm the virgin of all virgins, so I'm basically a unicorn. Anyways there is was this guy I had a HUGE crush on. I don't know how to properly explain this but I'm the type of person who will always be herself when talking to people (either that or I'm unusually silent) and this one guy I had a crush on him so big that I didn't know how to act. I mean, there are complications in this nonexistent relationship because he doesn't know I like him but dating is out of the question anyways. Why you may ask? To put it simply, he can't date. His religion prevents him from doing so, which really really sucks for me because he was/is my first major crush. But he can't date so I'm trying really hard to get over my stupid little crush because I really want to stay friends. He's a great guy, he's smart, sarcastic, kind, witty, funny, and bunch of other things I'm not going to say because I'm totally over him.

Pssshh.

Totally.

Point of mentioning this is that there are lengths girls/guys will go to see their crush that I didn't even realize until I had a huge crush on my own. I live on campus and the guy I liked was a commuter- so I went out of my way to go work or just hang out in the cafeteria just so I could see him. Call me pathetic, call me a loser, call me whatever you want but I really really liked this guy and since he was a Pharm. Major I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to see him. Maybe it's just me, but I think when you like someone you go out of you way to see them... even if it is just watching him from across the cafeteria, which I totally did not do because I'm not a stalker.

I guess some things aren't meant to work out, because there are obstacles such as ones religion or even your friends thinking he's gay (which he isn't). I let myself fall so hard that I'm trying to figure out how to get over something I never had to begin with.

All I know is that its hard as f***. That's why they call them crushes- because you end up crushed. In fact I cant even tell you how many times I cried or had panic attacks over this guy. Over a guy. Before all this I didn't even know your heart could physically hurt. Over a stupid guy. 
I had a conversation with my best friend the other day who goes to school in a different state, and I was yelling because I was upset. I said something along the lines of "WHY CANT LOVE BE LIKE THE STUFF I READ IN BOOKS." And she said something very insightful... well I mean it helped me. She said "CAUSE LIFE ISN'T FULL OF HAPPY ENDINGS WHERE THE GUY CHOOSES THE NERDY GIRL (that's me guys !!). LIFE IS FULL OF FUCKBOYS WHO LIKE TO FUCK OVER GIRLS."

Now keep in mind the guy I'm talking about here is anything BUT a fuckboy, but the point is I guess by living my love life through books I never realized that love isn't like books at all. Forget about waiting for prince charming- I was waiting for my Levi (Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell), but it doesn't work like that. I had to learn that the hard way.

FanGirl By Rainbow Rowell

I  just finished my first Rainbow Rowell book and I'm still in awe of the shear perfection that novel seemed to have from start to finish. I'm currently a freshmen at college, so when I started reading this book I could related one hundred and ten percent. Fun fact, when I first moved into my dorm (which is a triple by the way) my roommates went to lunch without me because I still had to unpack, and immediately after they left I sat on the cold tile floor of my dorm and started hysterically crying.

College is scary, I'm not going to lie, especially due to the fact that now I have to worry about boys going to my school instead of just girls, but thats besides the point. The point is when I started this book I felt this undeniable connection with it. Which probably seems a little crazy, but I feel like that with most books. College isn't as scary as it seems, which is really hard to believe but its the truth. And this advice is coming from a girl who afraid of basically everything. Trust me, if I can do it, anyone can do it.

I loved how Rowell aways put an excerpt of either the fan-fiction or the Simon Snow story before each chapter. I also loved how we got to see a piece of Cath's fiction writing piece at the very end. I admit, I wished there were more Reagan and Cath scenes because those parts some of my favorite parts. However, the thing I admire most about this book is Cath's connection to Simon Snow. Even going to college, she didn't let it go, despite the fact that some people probably would have made fun of her for it. When your hurt and in the process of healing I believe you latch onto something, weather it be a fictional character or a tv show or etc. Something or someone who will always be there no matter what.

I love stories that seem totally unrelated, but in the end in all comes together giving me that feeling inside me, that I have absolutely no idea how to explain, but its a mix of amazement, admiration, shocking, genuine, happy, sad, and every emotion in between all at once. I haven't thought of a word for that yet but I will eventually. I didn't get this all in one moment in this novel because the plot was thought out so well, it built up to something- then ended, and then built back up again. It was a change of pace for me that I liked.

Not sure what book I'm planning on reading next, but i'll keep you updated :)

Yours Truly,
          Paige from Pages on Pages