Friends (?)

I never realized that people can change for the worse.

Of course I knew that people could change for the better but I guess I just assumed that everyone changes for the better. It wasn't until recently that I discovered that people can also change for the worst.

Going to college and leaving all your high school friends behind, or well most of them, is weird and sad. But you and your friends promise to see each other every break, etc, etc. And for the people who actually do this, shout out to my best friend Lady Gaga (she's not really Lady Gaga but thats not the point), I applaud you.

Sadly, this idea in reality most of the time is BULLSHIT.

I have a really dark past, like terribly dark that I tend to keep to myself about- and one of my friends who helped me through it the most out of everyone blew me off the week she was home from school to hang out with her school friends. As in the people she sees basically every single fucking day. While me on the other hand, she hasn't seen since August.

Oh and then theres the fact she also lied- saying how she was just hanging out with her family the entire week when she posted snaps showing she was in the city with her college friends.

COME ON! REALLY?

It makes me wonder what I did wrong, when really I did nothing wrong. But friendship goes both ways. It cant just be me trying because if so i'm just going to stop. I deserve a whole lot better then that- and I absolutely know much people much better then that.

Sometimes your so blinded by the past, you can't see what's right in front of you.
And what was in front of me was NOT my best friend of four years from high school.

What Am I Doing & Unrequited Love

At one point in every ones life I think they all feel the same way I presently feel. It's not one emotion I'm feeling though, its several, however the main dilemma I'm facing right now is I want to do something with my life. I just don't know what or how I'm going to do it.

It's so frustrating because This is what I want to do with my life, but I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. And it's not just finding a future career or some shit like that- I want to do something that is going to make a difference or at least allow me to add to a cause of some sorts. I've had tons of ideas, but I'm just not sure about any of them.

I'm stuck.

I guess I thought writing on my blog to my invisible fans would help me but I have no idea. I know this blog is supposed to be dedicated to books but I've decided that its going to be book slash life related topics. -- While we're on this topic, lets talk about guys shall we?

So, not sure if I mentioned in a previous post but if I didn't, I attended an all girls catholic high school and now currently go to a co-ed university.

Talk about a big change.

Anyways- so now there a guys. In my opinion I've gotten used to seeing them, I'm just still awkward AF so I have little to no guy friends. Anyways, I've never dated anyone before. Never kissed or anything like that. I'm the virgin of all virgins, so I'm basically a unicorn. Anyways there is was this guy I had a HUGE crush on. I don't know how to properly explain this but I'm the type of person who will always be herself when talking to people (either that or I'm unusually silent) and this one guy I had a crush on him so big that I didn't know how to act. I mean, there are complications in this nonexistent relationship because he doesn't know I like him but dating is out of the question anyways. Why you may ask? To put it simply, he can't date. His religion prevents him from doing so, which really really sucks for me because he was/is my first major crush. But he can't date so I'm trying really hard to get over my stupid little crush because I really want to stay friends. He's a great guy, he's smart, sarcastic, kind, witty, funny, and bunch of other things I'm not going to say because I'm totally over him.

Pssshh.

Totally.

Point of mentioning this is that there are lengths girls/guys will go to see their crush that I didn't even realize until I had a huge crush on my own. I live on campus and the guy I liked was a commuter- so I went out of my way to go work or just hang out in the cafeteria just so I could see him. Call me pathetic, call me a loser, call me whatever you want but I really really liked this guy and since he was a Pharm. Major I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to see him. Maybe it's just me, but I think when you like someone you go out of you way to see them... even if it is just watching him from across the cafeteria, which I totally did not do because I'm not a stalker.

I guess some things aren't meant to work out, because there are obstacles such as ones religion or even your friends thinking he's gay (which he isn't). I let myself fall so hard that I'm trying to figure out how to get over something I never had to begin with.

All I know is that its hard as f***. That's why they call them crushes- because you end up crushed. In fact I cant even tell you how many times I cried or had panic attacks over this guy. Over a guy. Before all this I didn't even know your heart could physically hurt. Over a stupid guy. 
I had a conversation with my best friend the other day who goes to school in a different state, and I was yelling because I was upset. I said something along the lines of "WHY CANT LOVE BE LIKE THE STUFF I READ IN BOOKS." And she said something very insightful... well I mean it helped me. She said "CAUSE LIFE ISN'T FULL OF HAPPY ENDINGS WHERE THE GUY CHOOSES THE NERDY GIRL (that's me guys !!). LIFE IS FULL OF FUCKBOYS WHO LIKE TO FUCK OVER GIRLS."

Now keep in mind the guy I'm talking about here is anything BUT a fuckboy, but the point is I guess by living my love life through books I never realized that love isn't like books at all. Forget about waiting for prince charming- I was waiting for my Levi (Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell), but it doesn't work like that. I had to learn that the hard way.

DIsney's Descendent's

Okay so I may or may not have a slight obsession with Disney's Descendent's, so after I first saw the movie I soon discovered it was first a novel. Obviously, I just had to read the book- my logic being that the book would obviously better then the movie, and as it turns out it was! However, it was better in a very surprising way and led me to dislike the movie a bit... okay actually a lot.

So before I start ripping the movie to shreds, I'm going to try and start with reviewing the book. As I said before I saw the movie before reading the book, so when I first started reading it I thought it dragged on because it was seeming to be absolutely nothing similar to where the movie started from (the movie being the sequel to the book). In my opinion the book only became interesting when I  started reading from Carlos' point of view. The book really went into detail about the life of Carlos De Vil, and in my opinion I believe he had it the worst however the movie didn't portray that at all. Everything event that occurred in the book was due to Carlos and his genius inventions. Without Carlos, there would be no book or Dragons Eye (Maleficent's scepter). The movie did nothing to show how helpful Carlos was or how smart he actually is. Mal was the mastermind, Evie was the smart beautiful one, Jay was the attractive thief and then Carlos was just seen as ... Carlos.

From the book we find out that Carlos' mother basically abuses him. He sleeps on the floor, of her closet with traps guarding her fur coats. We also find out, spoiler alert that he has no friends because he spends all his time cleaning for his mother and is also beat up by Jay and Mal. Then we discover that Evie, was banished by Maleficent because Evie's mother (the Evil Queen) didn't invite Mal to her daughters birthday party. Therefore Evie was homeschooled until a year before the movie came out. From the movie, one can assume that Evie and Mal have always been best friends but Mal actually hated Evie and planned to put her under a curse to sleep for a thousand years. Mal didn't let that happen and if you want to know why, read the book :).

Anyways another important factor that they didn't explain or include in the movie is Mal and Ben's dreams. In the book, Mal and Ben unknowingly dreamed about meeting each other without knowing who either person was. That is one of the prompting factors of why Ben stares at Mal for so long when he meets her, because she is literally the girl of his dreams. This is also one of the reasons as to why Ben chose to give the new generation, aka the children of the villains, a chance.

Overall I absolutely LOVED this book, however I wish they had written sequel book rather then just promoting the movie as the only sequel. Melissa de la Cruz did a fantastic job writing this novel and I would recommend it to anyone who has caught an interest in this :).

FanGirl By Rainbow Rowell

I  just finished my first Rainbow Rowell book and I'm still in awe of the shear perfection that novel seemed to have from start to finish. I'm currently a freshmen at college, so when I started reading this book I could related one hundred and ten percent. Fun fact, when I first moved into my dorm (which is a triple by the way) my roommates went to lunch without me because I still had to unpack, and immediately after they left I sat on the cold tile floor of my dorm and started hysterically crying.

College is scary, I'm not going to lie, especially due to the fact that now I have to worry about boys going to my school instead of just girls, but thats besides the point. The point is when I started this book I felt this undeniable connection with it. Which probably seems a little crazy, but I feel like that with most books. College isn't as scary as it seems, which is really hard to believe but its the truth. And this advice is coming from a girl who afraid of basically everything. Trust me, if I can do it, anyone can do it.

I loved how Rowell aways put an excerpt of either the fan-fiction or the Simon Snow story before each chapter. I also loved how we got to see a piece of Cath's fiction writing piece at the very end. I admit, I wished there were more Reagan and Cath scenes because those parts some of my favorite parts. However, the thing I admire most about this book is Cath's connection to Simon Snow. Even going to college, she didn't let it go, despite the fact that some people probably would have made fun of her for it. When your hurt and in the process of healing I believe you latch onto something, weather it be a fictional character or a tv show or etc. Something or someone who will always be there no matter what.

I love stories that seem totally unrelated, but in the end in all comes together giving me that feeling inside me, that I have absolutely no idea how to explain, but its a mix of amazement, admiration, shocking, genuine, happy, sad, and every emotion in between all at once. I haven't thought of a word for that yet but I will eventually. I didn't get this all in one moment in this novel because the plot was thought out so well, it built up to something- then ended, and then built back up again. It was a change of pace for me that I liked.

Not sure what book I'm planning on reading next, but i'll keep you updated :)

Yours Truly,
          Paige from Pages on Pages